Sunday, March 7, 2010

Summer Weed Eating

Summer is almost here and so is the dreaded swimsuit season. Not that I readily jump into a swimsuit, at least not in front of other human beings; but as we are planning on getting a pool this summer (nothing fancy, just something for the kids to do during the day) I'm sure I'll likely go with something.

That being said, the first thing I think about when selecting a swimsuit, or contemplating actually wearing one, is the dreaded 'bikini line' and the gnarly razor bumps most people get from shaving.

So, this year I decided to forgo my trusty regular bic razor for these nifty little wax strips; a sort of DIY grooming product, and at a much lower cost than paying someone to get down there, which is not up my alley, pardon the pun. If you have never seen this product, it's a box of a dozen plastic strips with a thin coating of wax which you simply apply in the areas in which you would like to remove unwanted hair folicles. You press it on, let it warm to your skin, then remove it quickly for perfect hair removal. Or so one would think. This is a Burch Luck story though. If you consider yourself a prude, you probably don't want to read on.

The day I decided to perform this "bikini line ritual", I thought I would also take a nice relaxing bath in the whirl pool tub, complete with classical music, several well placed scented candles and a glass of wine (yes...I'm still allergic to alcohol....but sometimes, a little wine can be soothing...until the itching starts...but that's another Burch Luck story).

The water was running in the tub, the candles were lit and a nice, soothing Enya CD was serving as my 'project' background music. I strategically laid out the wax strips as well as the other necessary supplies (included in the kit) which includes a ridiculously small bottle of oil (for excess wax removal) and VERY CAREFULLY read the directions. Twice. You can't be too careful in this area, don't ya know?

I followed these carefully read directions, placed the first wax strip in the bikini area and rubbed it in a little (IT'S IN THE DIRECTIONS PEOPLE!!!) to warm the wax so that it could adhere to, well, whatever. Anyway, I let it sit for the recommended 2-3 minutes, held my thigh skin taut with one hand, grabbed the wax strip with the other and ripped away!


I looked at the strip in my hand and realized that, aside from some of the wax, there was nothing on the little strip. WTH?! Why the pain the then? I tried to put the strip into the trash so I could tend to my throbbing nether region, and then realized that it was stuck to my fingers with what little wax remained on it. I attempted to peel it away with my wax free hand. both hands had wax and were sticking to everything. I did manage to fling the strip, but it went flying and despite my best efforts, I was unable to find it; and anyway, I knew I needed to remove whatever wax was still on the bikini line. That's when I had the sudden realization that the wax was still on the bikini line and had very nicely attached itself to, well my thigh and my bikini line; they were adhered together very nicely. I tried peeling it away, but my fingers were just managing to stick more wax to me and, as you might imagine, it hurt like the dickens.

So, I realized I would have to use the aforementioned oil. Again, it is a ridiculously small bottle resembling one of those perfume sample bottles. I held it with one hand, removed the lid with the other and then realized the the bottle was waxed to one hand and the lid was waxed to the other. *Sigh* Burch luck, right? Wait, it gets better. Or worse, depending on how you look at it.

After numerous attempts to 'knock' the lid from my finger tips by scraping it on the faucet, I was finally able to disengage it and watched helplessly as it went down the drain. I figured I'd leave the oil stuck in my hand as I applied it, however, I foolishly felt that I would need something to 'apply' the oil to all wax infected areas, so I stepped over to grab some toilet paper, realizing, too late of course, that I now had toilet paper stuck to my fingers, but hey, that's what the oil is for, right? Using the toilet paper, I applied the oil...on the oil container to get it off my fingers then tossed the t-paper aside (successfully - woo hoo) so I could attend to the, by now, very sticky wax down below. It took the whole bottle of oil to clear the area and at least 90% of the unwanted bikini line still remained. You would think this fiasco ended here, but this is a Burch Luck story.

If you will recall, the water was still running for my bath, but as it was to my back plus with the nice Enya music, and 'other activities' I actually forgot about the bath. The water didn't run over or's a big tub...though that would have been comical, right?! I did have to make a mad dash to turn it off though, and that's when I realized I had found the wax strip I had previously was sticking to the bottom of my foot and as I took a step, it picked up a strip of toilet paper and as I leaned over to turn off the water and then lifted my foot to begin more wax removal, the trailing strip of toilet paper caught on one of my candles. Even though one might expect toilet paper to be non-flammable, that is actually not the case. It can burn pretty quickly, if it's the cheap kind (and if you know my husband, you know that, of course, we have the generic, made from recycled sandpaper brand). So, I did what any normal human being with flaming hot toilet paper waxed to their person would do. I plunged my foot into the tub, wax, paper, flames and all.

Yeah. So much for a nice relaxing bath; and the self waxing job? Left a strip of bruised and broken skin that covered twice the area of my bikini line. Luckily; I did this in March, before it was actually time to wear a bathing suit.

Bikini line, healing nicely. My pride...not so much.


susan said...

um, yeah, you're supposed to have beverage warnings, Yanno????

Angie said...

oops! Sorry Soup! I did have one friend on a discussion board tell me she thought she got this in an email. Lord, i hope nobody e-mailed this crap out! EmarassKing! I have a suit with a skirt. I'm gonna stick with that!

cathy said...

Angie, you REALLY need to write a book of humor! You write SO WELL, especially when you're writing humor!!