Public Bathroom Etiquette

I’ve always kept an imaginary list of “Public Bathroom Etiquette” and I mentally refer to it time and again whenever I’m forced to journey into the world of other people’s germs.

Number one on the list has always been the “Courtesy Flush.” That’s for Number 2.

Anyway, I digress. Who, in their right mind, would believe that someone – let alone a public figure, would pick up the trash on a dirty, public restroom floor because they were a public servant?

New Rule #1 for my Imaginary Bathroom Etiquette; Repeat after me – If it’s on the floor, it is quite possible that it was previously in contact with someone’s ASS. Leave it alone!

New Rule #2 - If you see dirt, grime, or smudges on the bottom of the stall wall, unless you are wearing rubber gloves, are holding a Clorox wipe and have your name printed on your shirt – you should have NO REASON to put your fingers on the bottom of the wall or, for that matter, anywhere inside the stall. Put your hands in your lap and don’t move until you need to reach for the t.p

New Rule #3 – Unless you are playing a musical instrument or stepping on a deadly spider that is attempting to take your life – DO NOT TAP YOUR FEET. And if you are sitting in your stall, playing a musical instrument, WTF!!!?

New Rule #4 - If you have a W I D E stance, you might want to consider 'tucking in.'

The basics for bathroom etiquette involve a plethora of BASIC public behavior. The coughs you hear in stalls next to you are not people who are suffering from a cold. That’s called a noise distraction (Rule #53) to cover up the real activity taking place in that individual's stall. The courtesy flush (original rule) is a nice way of covering up the olfactory clues of what you are doing, as well as making it so other toilet patrons don’t have to try and hold back vomit because they can smell what you had for dinner the night before.

If you are a ‘hoverer’ – please be courteous and wipe the seat when you are done (Rule #36). Hovering is good to keep your butt off the seat, but for the person coming in after you who doesn’t have the coordination required to be a successful ‘hoverer’ it’s not fun to go for the sit and release, only to have to jump up quickly because they suddenly feel a 'hoverer's' leave behind. For those of us who have a tendency to wait until the last minute to go, it’s really a pain, because the jump up also means we’re going to have to dry the inside of our legs, as well as the toilet seat.

Proper use of a public restroom should not require that you have a master’s degree, or be elected to public office for that matter. It involves basic common sense. I won’t even get into the imbecile’s who don’t wash their hands with soap and water when they are done. That’s the reason for rule #137 – always use a paper towel, toilet paper, or your sleeves to open the door on your way out.